Yeah...so...where have I been?

So...I've been gone and not posting.  That's actually not much of a surprise, blogging about my personal life has taken a back seat to...well, life.  I read and review books on Megan's Media Melange (yes, I like alliteration, what of it?) and the subject of this post is affecting everything I used to do out of joy.  When you think you need to escape into books but all the books you read remind you of what you've lost, what you don't have, what you should have had, it's hard to be objective.  I love reading and I love reviewing and even though I don't have many followers at all, I still do it.  I'll get back to it, I'm just struggling.  So why have I been absent?  Why the drama?  Something happened in my life that I never thought would happen to me...

My husband is divorcing me.

A decade and two kids in and what I thought I was building has met an earthquake of epic proportions.  Without getting into detail, our marriage is over for various predictable reasons and whatever you're thinking, you're likely either right or pretty damn close.  The major reason being that we're just not compatible any longer.  It's a gross understatement for the emotional upheaval I've felt over the past year plus, but it's the very simplest way of describing what happened with us.  It didn't begin as a mutual decision, but it became one once I realized that you can't beg someone to love you if they don't and won't.  I'm just not the person he wants.

Thank you, Adele, #truth

Knowing what I know now if I could go back to the start, would I have chosen him?  Yeah.  I knew who he was and who he could be, not someone different, not some idealized perception of his potential, just who he would be as he grew and changed through life, flaws and all.  I knew that his strengths were the opposite of my weaknesses and he helped me grow and improve.  His faults were acceptable to me because no one is perfect, least of all me, and I thought he felt the same way.  I don't find it naive in any way to get married young if you know what you're getting into and know that life breeds change.  If you're invested and choose to grow with and alongside someone, there's nothing to say that just because change happens that what you committed to in the beginning won't work later.

Could I have done more to make my marriage work?  Yeah, I mean, there's always something you can do and to show your partner you're invested and willing to work through issues.  But honestly, it comes down to the fact that he just wanted someone else, someone I wasn't nor would ever be.  If he had known who he was and what he truly wanted and what he was really about back when we first got together, I really believe he never would have chosen me.  Sucks, but it's true.

So now I get to piece my life together into a whole new puzzle.  I definitely have hope for the future, my future.  Being pretty much alone in a country where you have close to no one is rough, not gonna lie, but by making a concerted effort to build my own community here I have a chance to create something all my own and I'm looking forward to it.  I fear it, but I'm also determined to not let that fear stop me from finding myself here.

Do I know where I'm going (metaphorically speaking) or what I'm doing?  Hell no.  Am I up for the challenge?  Hell yes.  I'm by no means comfortable with my situation, but isn't that when we grow the most?  I'm sure hoping so.  I've got two fan-freaking-tastic children to care for and help to become awesome humans so now I get to add my own evolution to the never-ending to-do list that comes with adulting.  It'll be a trip, that's for sure.

Here's to hoping...

Life isn't easy, it's definitely not predictable, and it's too short to remain unhappy.  What was a devastating shock is something I'm determined to turn into a personal stepping stone to my best self.  Is there any other way to see it?  What can I say, I'm a realistic optimist.  I do what I want, and what I want is to be happy.  I'll find my happiness and I'll just have to trust that life will find a way to remind me that my new dream is out there somewhere.