Friday, July 31, 2020

Health and nerves

I definitely wouldn't say I'm a nervous person.  I'm fairly relaxed in everything that I do because I just don't see the point in getting so worked up that emotions overwhelm reason.  There's a balance in all things to allow you to see clearly through the muddy waters that life sometimes has a way of becoming.  So why does the title of my post include the word "nerves"?  Well, I've had a small health concern and I've got a couple/few weeks to stew about it before I get any kind of answer, for good or ill, pun intended.

My family has a history of illness on both sides of varying types and degrees.  Because of that I was never truly tempted to partake in any risky behavior.  Aside from an immense love of tattoos and a bucket list item of skydiving, there's not really anything that I do that should threaten my health and well-being.  Uh, except for food.  Food is love and I love flavor so I don't always make the healthiest choices, but that's a work in progress as I balance that with healthy physical activities.

Anyway, the point is because I have a family history that seems to always necessitate hospitals in some way, shape, or form, I'm careful and cautious since I want to live a long and happy life with my kids.  Preventative exams are essential to that endeavor and a few weeks ago I came across something a bit concerning.  A couple of lumps caught my attention.  They could be totally benign, lots of people, women specifically, find lumps that come to nothing and are treated only as a preventative measure.  But because my mother and maternal grandmother as well as more distantly related family have had breast cancer of varying severity I'm understandably a little nervous.

I've got an appointment in a couple weeks for a mammogram and breast ultrasound so we can figure out just what's going on and I won't lie and say I'm not worried.  Part of me is very worried.  It was quite nebulous, the worry, something that didn't break the surface until I spoke to my mom today.  I don't want to dwell on it for two weeks and put myself into a position where I freak myself out or show anything like that to my kids so today I'm allowing myself a little cry and a little venting.

I have great friends and family and I could likely call any of them and hear any number of "don't worry's" or any other platitude you can think of and that's fantastic to have that kind of support, but I'll be honest here, I don't really want to hear it.  I work through things best when it's on my own with an occasional need to vent.  My mom's advice was really helpful though, so I'm glad I called her, but other than her, I'm not exactly up for hashing this out with anyone else.  It's not going to be something to truly worry about until I go over the results of the tests with my doctor in three weeks and it's bad news.  Until then I just wanted to put down my thoughts and feelings to a medium that I can reflect on and share with others that may feel similarly.