Everyday seems a little longer, Every way love's a little stronger...

Life is seriously like a roller coaster.

I was supposed to be in Japan this month...supposed to be. I wanted so much to be there and made lots of plans with my friends there and was so excited to revisit places I really love while there. My daughter is now running around, knows all her letters and colors and lots of numbers too, so I was hoping to "show off" to my friends who only saw the beginnings of her awesomeness.

As is obvious at this point, I'm not in Japan. I'm at my parents' house in the States. Why? My father died. It was way sooner than any of us thought it would be. He was 78 and his health wasn't great, so it's not entirely unexpected, but he had recently been making some serious improvements and was in great spirits. Despite all of that, his number was called.

I got to see him one last time before we signed the papers for cremation and he looked almost the same as always. I completely expected him to take a semi-startled breath as he woke up to find us in the room with him. He would say, "Oh, hi!" like always and we would give him a big hug, grateful to have a chance to visit and talk story. That didn't happen. He stayed on the table, cool to the touch despite the blanket they covered him with. No wide smile, no arms wide for his tight hugs that made you feel small and safe, no warm voice assuring you of your solid place in his thoughts and heart.

For the first time since hearing of his passing, I cried. Not even the words, "Your father has died" stirred tears of sadness, it was the final realization that the body I was looking at was no longer my father. It was a shell of someone who loved me more than I had ever loved anyone else in my life before. Only after I got married and had my own child could I begin to fathom the love he had for me. This man taught me about love, forgiveness, and the joy that comes from family and food. All my life he has been my father and friend.

As my family attempts to sort through their feelings and grieve in our own way, I find myself put in the position of mediator and pillar. We all have our own strengths and both of those are mine during crises, but I can't say that they are my strengths for very long. Sometimes I feel as if others see me as unfeeling and callous toward the suffering of others, but I can't help it if I cry very few times and attempt to get all the necessaries taken care of before I finally feel the weight of my emotions. I cried when I saw my father for the last time, and haven't cried again since then...that was two weeks ago. I'm okay with that.

Two weeks have passed since I heard the news and already life seems to be moving on. Nothing has come to a screeching hault, the sun still rises, and the dog still needs to be fed and walked.

Life is different. Things change. Home is still home. Love is still strong.